


Diary of England

by Lalia037



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Characters to be added, Dark, Depression, Gen, Guilt, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, This is probably gonna be a really long one, Warnings May Change, chapters will be added
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 19:32:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19837063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalia037/pseuds/Lalia037
Summary: Now it is year 2019. Everyone has limits, even I do. I hold so many untold secrets and emotions, but I have no place for them anymore, I cannot contain them any longer. As I have no trusted friends, I decided to write them down in a diary. Maybe someone will read it someday.





	Diary of England

**Author's Note:**

> I wish I could edit this like I can in Microsoft Office Word ;-;  
> It looks so pretty there

**_#1_ **

_16 July 2019_

_Dear Diary,_

_I haven’t written before, this is my first time expressing my thoughts in such a way, I decided to drown my feelings into writing now, as things seem to get worse and worse for me, and there’s absolutely no improvement._

_Well, you know I’ve been fighting depression for a while now. Decades, maybe even centuries might have passed since it began. Some people assume it was caused by the Revolutionary War, by me losing my dear little brother, America. Let me tell you something: that’s not true. It was just the cherry on top. That is not why it began, it’s just…what made me fall back into it._

_When I found him I… saw myself in him. I wanted to help him, to protect him, so he would not suffer through the same things as I did… I don’t wish that to anyone. Those might not have been my only intentions though. I might have wanted to be a little selfish, and have someone who returns that love. I know it’s my fault, but… I have been so lonely.. When I looked at America it was like I was gazing at a bundle of warm sunshine. He was so young, so innocent and didn’t know how harmful this world could be. I decided I didn’t want him to experience it._

_But of course France was there too. The bloody frog who always thought so highly of himself, who could only mock and tease me, even when we were young. I understand him though. I’m full of faults. He just pointed them out. I was never actually mad at him for that, rather I was incredibly sad and lost. I knew of my faults, but didn’t know how to change them. Sometimes these feelings made me turn against myself, other times against others. I don’t know which is worse. Probably the latter. After all, who would care about someone who only caused pain, right?_

_As we are personifications of nations, we heal fast, we can’t die easily. It’s not our place to tell when all this will end. I’ve never felt lucky because of that. The scars that I made on myself faded like they were never there. I honestly liked to see the scars though. I liked to think I was receiving punishment for all the horrible things I had done. See, instead of trying to correct my mistakes I acted in such a careless way… still…I calmed me, even if just a little bit._

_Sorry. I went off the track. So there was America, there was France, and there was me. I should’ve thought about that maybe America would be better off with France, but I the time I just couldn’t bear to be alone any longer. I wanted to have someone with me. However, as always, France had tricks up his sleeves and tried to lure America to himself, which seemed to work. That was when I broke down. I lost to him again. I was going to be all alone again. Suddenly, the strangest of things happened. America chose me. Maybe he took a pity on me, he felt I was the one who needed help. Oh, how right that was. Even if those were his reasons, I was incredibly happy. I felt guilt, but I was determined to not let him down and not make him regret his choice._

_Ah, it seems it is quite late now… It is almost midnight, so I’d better go and rest. I have to get up early tomorrow for business. I really don’t want to… At this point I just want to sleep through life… I certainly hope I’ll have a dreamless sleep tonight, I don’t think I could deal with another of my horrific nightmares this time… Maybe…once my wish will come true, and I won’t have to struggle anymore. But not now. I still want to write down all my thoughts before I bid farewell. So until then I pray (or not? I’m not even sure about my religion anymore) that I can find the strength to hold on._

_Goodnight. Take care._

_Arthur Kirkland_

~~_a.k.a._ ~~

~~_United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland_ ~~


End file.
